I have a blog, actually more than one blog, but all are anonymous and all very narrowly focused in terms of topic, which is probably why I have more than one. The main one has been around long enough that I get the same blog comment spam as anyone who has a blog of their own is familiar with. Some of these spam comments (all of which are picked out nicely by Akismet and held back from posting) are made up of a loonnng paragraph of randomly generated words, sometimes almost close to making sense, with a bunch their keywords and links thrown in.
So here’s a challenge that I gave to myself.
- Take one of these spams,
- remove the links (by copy/pasting into a text editor),
- remove the drugs/brand names/unknown words (easily found by a spell checker)
- Write a story, using the words in sequence.
Here’s my first attempt. The original is first, followed by my story, with the original words highlighted to show what I added.
Parry exchanged had its watch with and great renal blood flow too badly mountain forests man would footsteps retreating and been impossible moving along way there die ocean pregnancy classification what counts her daughter boat was drug interaction could fly were too man had and opened not its change from fertilizer for body and index php carried with you grew swiftly precisely when snippets over thinking hard where the that looked 15 mg cajole you his food can explore take credit side affect sufficient number would gather you are swimming body how do nicotine patches work square shape nutritious one nervous massed goblins set within the year his an opiate minded creature must suffer range looked their errors the drug the traffic was cute arrow realized overcoming her overdose effects was better are flexed sinuously following creature called bares brings their descent with that and hair loss opal was followed were still each picking and pigment brought you patch said the road more widely breath shortness credit fog was hat sailboat details fell error too was fulfilled about twice maintain this a blow harder found nothing was not and added routine that her some were you fuzzy side effects unsettling way guessed wrong look good arrow winced
Parry exchanged his Icelandic krona for Euros. Iceland had had its day, but now investors watched with fear and great anxiety as it’s economy tried to survive renal blows from the failing banking system. Lost value, like blood flowing from a wound, had weakened the country too badly in Parry’s opinion.
Parry had family in Switzerland anyway, and he hoped hat some time in the mountain forests would make a new man of him. He was aware that he would soon see the footsteps of time retreating and fading. Years ago it would have been impossible to envision moving from his native country, but along the way there were always surprises. His youngish wife had died two years ago out on the ocean during their holiday cruise. Her pregnancy, revealed at the autopsy, came as a shock to him. The forensic classification of her death as suicide turned out to be what counts as far as her life insurance policy was concerned. Her daughter from an earlier marriage was not on the boat, but was in a drug treatment program following an interaction with a police officer where she was convinced that she could fly. Parry and his wife were there too, and watched as the police man and his dog, who had earlier tried to bite Parry’s behind, become all nicey-nice with the daughter. The daughter, Persephone, had just yawned and opened the wings she thought she had.
But that was all in the past not the present. Parry was now concerned about the poison he suspected had really killed his wife and its change from fertilizer to rat poison. For him, that became an obsession. Her body and mind had been so beautiful, he even adored her index finger! Sadly, she had mostly been concerned with her work as a web site builder – sometimes her desire to learn more and more about php carried with it a sad decrease in libido. “You grew farther and farther away from me,” Parry sometimes sighed but then swiftly, precisely cut those thoughts from his grieving mind. When snippets of these reflections still remained, he chided himself for over thinking. “Hard where?” he redirected his head, away from brooding over his dead wife’s beloved hardware. The time it took to think that thought often looked longer than the actual 15 milliseconds it took. Sometimes he got so confused he mistook milliseconds for mg. Then he had to cajole: “You must stop this!” And on and on it went. Even his food can became empty and he almost began to explore anorexia.
Then the police man stepped in. “Take credit, or suffer the side affect of insufficient numbers of calories!” he ordered. “Would you prefer to gather your senses now, while you are free, or later, swimming with Guido’s body?”
Perry was shocked by the policeman’s outburst, and fumbled for a cigarette, forgetting that he had recently decided to quit smoking. How do nicotine patches work?, he found himself wondering. Those little square shaped gums don’t look very nutritious, but when one is nervous and all your fears are massed, you start to see goblins everywhere. Perry set his mind. Within the year he would break his habit. After all, he wasn’t an opiate minded creature like Persophone. Addicts like her must suffer a huge range of temptations. Perry looked down at those who were unable to understand their errors and those who were not able to see how the drug controlled their lives.
The traffic was beginning to subside. Perry noticed a cute girl crossing the street, and an arrow stuck his love-hungry heart. He realized that overcoming his wife’s death and her overdose was having strange effects on his thinking. He was probably better off staying where there are people who already knew him, rather than to flee to Switzerland. He flexed his still sinuously shaped arms and began following the lovely creature. He would have called to her, but instead he bares his arms and brings their hairy surface into the light. He follows her descent into the subway with great hopes that she would notice his arms and not his hair loss. Her brilliant opal coloured hair was gleaming in the florescent lights as he followed her deeper and deeper where the rats were still active, each picking and gnawing pigments from each other. Suddenly, the girl turned to him.
“I brought you here, to patch the hurts that you have suffered,” she said. “You have not chosen the road more widely traveled. Instead, you have chosen to breath the air of heightened awareness, where shortness of hair is given credit for any fog that was kept under your hat. When your sailboat of dreams finally fills all the details of your life, you will realize that you fell short, made an error once too often, and your hope was fulfilled about twice as often as you realized.” She flipped her long hair back, and continued. “It will be difficult to maintain this attitude, as the the cross winds will blow harder once you have found nothing beneath your wings. However, it was not, and never will be added to your routine that you followed with your wife. Her worrisome predicalations that were causing you fuzzy logic and vision side effects that you found to be unsettling will no longer be in your way.”
Parry was taken aback. “I see that I guessed wrong about you. Here I thought that you looked good, and that arrow,” he winced, “that arrow was not true love piercing my heart.
Want to try one of these yourself? Here’s a couple more spam comments that I received, already stripped of links and medications that the dictionary didn’t recognize.
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